Broken Bones + Bad Decisions: Meet Abi Lemon

Welcome to a brand new podcast for ADHD Adults and ADHD entrepreneurs.  

Let's kick things off as we hear from The Brilliance Effect founder  - Abi Lemon, as she gives us a deep dive into her own ADHD journey, talks about some of those broken bones and bad decisions that finally led her to an ADHD diagnosis.

More info here:  https://abilemon.co

Transcript

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Welcome to the brilliance effect podcast. My name is Abby lemon. And for this podcast, think ADHD, coaching meets business mentoring with a positive psychology twist. So we're going to be talking about all about the life and business of the neurodivergent adult, which includes me by the way, when navigating the ups downs and everything in between. And how to find the joy in every day. So let's dive in. So welcome to episode one of the brilliance effect podcast. My name is Abby lemon and I'm an ADHD coach and business mentor, and I help ADHD adults all over the world to run better businesses, navigate their later in life diagnosis and generally manage their ADHD brilliantly. I'm also ADHD and dyspraxic myself, I'm heavily peri-menopausal. And as we know. Peri-menopause and ADHD together, they don't play too nicely. Am I right? Yeah. I can hear that. I'm right here. So I'm here today for this first episode, I want to share a little bit about my own story. My lived experience as an ADHD adult and as a business owner. And my own diagnostic journey. Plus a few things that have helped me step into my own brilliance over the last few years. Later episodes, I'm going to get some amazing guests on. We're going to talk about what happiness means to them as an ADHD. How they found their joy every day. As an adult neurodivergent so there's going to be lots of different things coming up, but I feel like the first episode. To introduce you to me. I was a good starting point. So let's start at the beginning. Shall we? Now ADHD has been in the media. A lot recently. If you're in any way, neurodivergent, if you underst, if you're feel like you're kind of realizing those things. For yourself, you would have seen some of the media coverage. Around ADHD. Now, one of the things that's is important to note that ADHD actually shows up really differently for girls and women, which is why lots of us don't recognize it until later in life. So, what are the signs of ADHD in girls and women? You know, why have we missed. Well, it could be that as a kid, you, if you fail to give close attention to things, or maybe you make careless mistakes. Maybe you just were always told, are you listening? Start listening, you know were you always told, could try harder isn't is lazy. Isn't working hard enough. And was that always in your school reports? Because it certainly was for mine. You know, I had difficulty with organization. I disliked tasks that required kind of sustained mental effort. Distracted daydreaming acting impulsively. We'll talk about that again in a minute. And you know, the hyperactivity in girls and women doesn't always translate into physical hyperactivity. A lot of the time it can be in our thoughts. And that was certainly the case for me as a, as a kid as well. Nate, you know, it was, it was kind of difficult to feel like I fit it in. I felt like I was always, always on the outskirts. I felt like I. Was. Constantly told to try harder. Constantly told that I wasn't trying hard enough, constantly felt that I wasn't good enough and constantly felt that I was just on the outside. So all of those signs and symptoms that aren't necessarily the traditional paradigm of somebody who is ADHD as a kid. So the naughty boy, or this person excluded from school. That wasn't me, but there was lots of other signs that, that at the time, just weren't, weren't picked up on because it wasn't being talked about. But when you take all of those boxes of all those signs and symptoms, and I always felt different. I felt like I really couldn't do life properly. And you just constantly being told that you're not trying hard enough and this recipe. This kind of mix of being told you're not good enough, not fitting in, not feeling like your worthy and not feeling like your lifeing or be able to human, like other people leads to this cocktail of low self-esteem low self-worth. And by my teams, I felt unlovable. I felt. Broken. You know, the masking really reached its peak. And the only time I actually felt like I fitted in was in my late teens. When I used recreational drugs, I felt like the racing was somewhere that we could. All be on the same level. You know, the playing field was level. We were all the same. We were all kind of messy and doing things, but actually it was my way of kind of trying to self-medicate. Trying to fix myself and trying to fit in. The other thing that happens, I think with ADHD is, and the feeling different, and then not wanting to fit in as we make some other. You know, with the combine that with the impulsiveness, we make some really bad choices. We make some choices that, you know, whether that's relationships, whether that's things we do you know, as we can be very impulsive and take risks that are. You know, above and beyond. What other people would take because we're somehow just trying to feel normal and, and fit in whatever that, that means. So for me. This impulsiveness has got me in trouble. More than once. And I'll give you an example of that. So I broke my ankle three times now, actually. One sort of rapes rang when I was 16. Once sliding down the banisters of the escalator at Clapham north cheap. And once on a moped when I was on with T on the moped with T Wednesday, And savvy instructors in Greece. Now that is a whole other story that we won't go into today. But there is all of those things were examples of me being impulsive and mean taking risks and just doing something bloody stupid. I broke my wrist roller skating on a huge concrete ramp because a kid on a Skeeter dad, me to do it. So I did, I've gone off to warehouse parties with strangers. I quit my first degree. I moved to London on my own when I was 20 to work at ministry of sound. There was, you know, I've quit my jobs, I've switched careers. I've had multiple pathways and all of which have been in this seat desperately trying to seek out and be. I'd fit in and be kind of normal if you like, whatever that is. And I've always felt really flaky because of it. It felt like I never really finished things. I didn't have a mapped out career. I didn't finish my degree. First of all, the first degree I took I've been divorced. You know, it all kind of leads to this feeling of being broken or not really being able to. To life properly. And this feeling really followed me into adulthood. You know, on the outside, I was sparkly, fun party Abbey. And on the inside, I felt absolutely just like a fraud. It felt like my whole life. I was just kind of masking and pretending to be. Someone who I wasn't. Because inside this, the real me had this feeling of being broken and it had this feeling of being just not good enough. So, when you feel like that you start attracting things into your life that confirms your brain, that you are indeed broken. I tolerated, oh my goodness. So many abusive relationships. Crappy jobs that would soul destroying. Poverty, loneliness, all of that stuff, because I didn't understand that I wasn't broken. There was just a fundamental difference in how I thought and how I did things and the actions and, and thought processes and the things. And I just thought it was me. I thought that others found things easy and I was just not a good human because I found things so much harder. I thought everybody had to try you. This 800 times harder and the same as I did, but they were getting it right. And somehow I wasn't. So, you know, I kept on masking. I had my two children and. Eventually. You know, trying not to feel like a Liza because I just. You know, had caused yet another argument with my ex-husband because I'd left another glass on the side. I'd not picked something up that was there for a few days. Hunt clean the house. I forgot something really important. All of those were signs of undiagnosed ADHD. And I, but I didn't know how to pull it together. I didn't know, I just felt like the worst person in the world because I couldn't pull it together. And I just didn't know why. And I feel really sad in some ways, because that was definitely part of the reason that sort of led to our downfall was as a couple and why we divorced because. I didn't know it was my ADHD symptoms. I just thought I was a shit person and was literally the worst, the worst person ever that couldn't do the things other people could. And I couldn't understand why. So eventually though. All of this stuff, all of this kind of challenge and battle that kind of, I went through, I, things took a turn. Now. On the outset, it felt like this turn was something negative, but it led to where I am now, which is doing a job. I love having a life. I love feeling good about myself and actually having viewing my life through this lens of self-compassion. So I'll tell you about this thing. Now I, I got this job. About 10 years ago, it was on the outside. A really fabulous job, good money, lots of support. It was a corporate position, so it had lots of regulation and rules and stuff. Lots of lovely processes to keep me on track. And I thought it was going to be such a, such a relief to fit into this job that it kind of all mapped out and structured. And for me as an ADHD, I actually genuinely thrive with structure. I am not, you know, without it, if things are too nebulous to a Morpheus and I just cannot I can't function, but with some structure in the right way. Perfect. But I absolutely floundered. The rules were always unclear. The structures were always unclear. The targets were totally ambiguous. I had five managers in two years. And by the end of the two years. I just wasn't being, I wasn't able to do this job for some reason. Everybody else seemed to find it easy. But for me, I was not thriving and I kept asking for help, but I just couldn't, I couldn't get it together for the first time in my life. I felt absolutely like this was it. I just couldn't get it together. I really was that broken human that I thought I was. And I was ready to drive my car off the road, just so I didn't have to go into that job. Because it couldn't admit that I wanted to leave and I couldn't admit that it was something I didn't. You know that I'd failed up. But I just wanted it to stop. So I thought if I could just, you know, injure myself enough to go to hospital, then I wouldn't have to go in ridiculous. Right. My anxiety went through the roof and actually I got help. I asked for help and was diagnosed with clinical depression. And, and then was also diagnosed with bipolar T and it was essentially just managed out of that job. I guess you would call this extreme burnout and absolute breakdown. The years of masking of holding it together, just came crashing down in one sweep. And I look back now. And I can see all the signs of undiagnosed ADHD, and I really believe it. Wasn't bipolar. I really believe that actually, because they, they medicate, they tried to medicate me. They you know, I had therapy, but it just I think it was an extreme, emotional breakdown caused by years of feeling like, and being told that I wasn't. Wasn't doing things right. That I wasn't good enough. Years of overcompensating years of rejection sensitive dysphoria. Just all led to this huge breakdown and I hope it gives you an idea of the mental and emotional carnage that going undiagnosed for so long can cause, you know, to be diagnosed with bipolar, to be, to experience a breakdown in that way. It is so damaging and is why we need to be having this conversation around ADHD and around diagnoses for neurodivergent humans. Now, I was lucky I've come out of the other side of that. And I got the support that I needed, but some people don't, some people don't make it out of that carnage because it is just too hard for them on their own. So we need to keep talking about this. And I do believe that this is the difference between. When somebody says, oh, we're all a bit ADHD. Aren't we, I firmly refute that. I think we're not all a bit ADHD. What we are. Yes, we can be distracted as humans. Yes, we can all be we'll have brain fog. Yes, we can all have those days where we're just not on our game. Yes, we can feel rejected and we can feel sensitivity around that. But it's the difference between those clinical symptoms? Causing chaos and carnage and severely affecting your life. For your whole life, you know, ADHD is not something you develop, you have it because it's a neurodevelopmental condition. So that is the difference. And when someone says, oh, we're all we are all a bit like that. That's not the case at all. You know, we, yes, you can have similar symptoms, but this kind of emotional or mental carnage that may and others experience as an undiagnosed, neurodivergent human is. So much so painful. But this is like I say, this is where it turned around now. What came out of this big mess was this huge desire to learn about how my own brain and my mind works. To rediscover my identity and who I was, because at that point, I remember, I remember standing in front of my wardrobe. Looking at all my clothes and thinking. What does happy, even where, where do I even wire, who is, who am I? It was like this complete breakdown of the ego and and sort of. In a place of, you know, hat to rebuild. So I did what any good ADHD? And immediately signed up for degree courses in biological psychology and molecular biology. But I did, you know, Another true ADHD style. I did actually bail out of that degree in the final year as it just got all about the maths. I got kind of bored because I found it a bit too hard for my brain at that point. And I felt like I'd done the interesting bit, the bit that intrigued me. And as we know. As ADHD as it's sometimes hard to sustain things when the dopamine drops off. So I stopped that, but I've read all of the psychology books. You know, I wanted aside from the molecular biology and the kind of physics that went alongside that. The psychology element was what interests me. I read all the books I read. I watched the, the programs that documentaries, I wanted to understand how women especially had been treated in the psychiatric system. You know, since the day dots, you know, and I, that it fascinated me, you know, battle and hospital and all the other. The other places. And the fact that women were put inside these places for. You know, for being a little too Sparky for having maybe PMT for wanting sex, you know, all of this stuff was considered psychiatric, psychiatric. And work considered kind of lunatic behavior. And people, you know, women were institutionalized because of it. And this was fascinating to me, and this is what made me angry and it made me kind of rise up a little bit in my passion to learn more about myself and to others. So I decided at that point, That I wanted to help other people. And I thought this is where I'm, this is what my calling is. I want to. You know, really do something that's going to support people. So. I impulsively again, decided I think acupuncture is the thing for me. So I signed up for a full time degree course. Which I did alongside running my business full time. At that point, I'd started a brand design agency and was, was running that very successfully. And there's this, this kind of ADHD urge to manipulate time and feel like I've got. At least three lifetimes running at the same time, but, you know, I did actually finish my degree, which for me was such, such a a fantastic achievement to, to really put behind me this feeling that I was flaky. And I didn't finish things when I stood there at my graduation with a hat on and all of that staff I found that it was actually really emotional and not because, you know, I suddenly had a degree, but that I'd proven to myself that I could do it. So. So I realized that the end of my degree, after I'd done a year of clinical practice that acupuncture, wasn't really the thing. I loved what I did on, I love the patients I worked with. But it wasn't, you know, they were coming to me with a shoulder thing. They were coming to me with a knee thing and. I was you know, it wasn't that, that I was really holding the space for it was holding the space for all of the trauma that had come up through the pandemic, because this was in, this was 3 20, 21. So the pandemic had kind of triggered a lot of people's old traumas, whether that's ancestral, whether that's for them and it's coming out into their body, it was manifesting in their body, in different things. And really what these people needed was. To be heard to be, to have that space held for them. And this was the bit that I absolutely loved. So this is the bit where. It really got interesting for me because yes, I had spent four years doing this degree, but it had led me to what I felt was my purpose now. There is a reason for me kind of tangenting off into this kind of into my background and things like that. So, By this point, I was a single mom of teens and I was running my brand agency business and had also been reading a lot about ADHD. I was in the process in 2020 or 2019, actually of pivoting my business into coaching consultancy. Because I really grown tired of, you know, doing these, these, this brand work with companies that weren't, that dialed in, they were, it was, you were presenting to leadership teams that. Weren't all that interested. You know, you might have the founder that was interested, but it all felt very kind of surface level and fake. But what I loved was talking to people about their purpose, their mission, their vision, their goals, and their values and all of that really GC stuff. And that was the bit I wanted to hold on to and not the design stuff. So I was pivoting my business to be. So to support people growing their business, but also into that personal development. And everything changed that year for me. So I did. What any good ADHD would do and, you know, I've pivoted my business. And after a late night researching positive psychology, I signed up the next day for a master's degree in applied positive psychology and coaching psychology. Check me out, trying to feel validated and regular, like a normal human, but. For me, this is where the game actually changed. I'd managed to pivot my business. And I noticed that ADHD was being talked about more than ever before. And for me as someone who's always talked too fast. Yeah. Yeah, you got me. Ben rather energetic a bit all over the place being called too loud, too. You know too much. To introvert, to extrovert all of the twos. I really resonated with it. And I thought, yes, maybe I am, but I didn't really know that much about it. But because I'd signed up for this master's degree and I was working with the psychology department. At the university of east London, they I was offered the opportunity to have a, an assessment for ADHD, dyspraxia, dyslexia, all of those things. And I absolutely jumped at it because I'd also had that there waiting times with the NHS were really, really long. So I jumped on it. After what was a lengthy morning of assessments and a really deep dive into my past. I was diagnosed with ADHD and dyspraxia. What a relief. You would think the dyspraxia makes total sense? You know, dyspraxia is actually where you're not sure about the position in your body in relation to the space of things. And I've always been absolutely terrible at anything where I have to hit something with a rocket or a stick or anything where there's something moving towards me. Absolutely awful. And the ADHD made so much sense. So of course. Well, any good ADHD I would do. I really hyper-focused and dialed into what that man, what the symptoms? Well, you know, How strongly I saw myself in all the literature that I read. But this initial relief that I felt. Was really was really intense. But it was not long lasting. Shortly after that is, came this wave of almost rage and anger, that things should have been so different for me. They should have been different. And they would have been different if I'd have only known and all of these thoughts were coming up. Now I know there is nothing we can do about the past. We cannot change it. And these are not constructive thoughts. But they happened. And then the grief, the sadness of what could have been and where I could be now and, you know, relationships that I maybe didn't mess up. And all of this stuff was. It was all encompassing. It really hit me out of the bloom. And was not something I was prepared for this, looking back at my whole life through this new ADHD lens. And I wanted to kind of reach back into the past and give labia. Hog and say, it's going to be all right. And this is, you're not broken. This is who you are. Embrace it. And I hadn't, because I hadn't anticipated that. But if, you know, I have the tools as a coach, as somebody who's very interested in personal development with a deep understanding of psychology and all of that. I had the tools. Two. Really work through it and work on myself, which was it was a journey. And what came out of that diagnosis was actually, you know, after I'd worked through these different emotions, which are totally fine to feel, but it was, you know, it was tough. This huge amount of self-compassion. This huge amount of kindness for myself that I'd never felt before and a huge, huge, huge amount of self-love. Something, I had never felt about myself before. I'd always had this feeling that I was just rubbish. But through this diagnostic process and three, this ADHD journey, I have found a love and a joy and who I am as a person. That I didn't actually know was that before. And it came at a time where my identity was already at a massive state of flux. You know, I'm getting older. I'm 46 now. My hormones were changing. Like things were happening. Kids, my kids are getting older, you know, I'm going to be a grandma in October. Things are my identity and the kind of fundamental blocks of who I am. Are really starting to change. And it with that, with this diagnosis, with this, like looking back at the past Having this permission to now unmask and rediscover my identity and find out who I actually am as a person. It was a lot. And as my. Estrogen levels were dropping you know, for my age and my ability to mask and pretend was also dropping. It was like my whole ego was dismantled and I looked in the mirror and saw somebody completely different someone who's actually old. So older, somebody who is. Has been through a lot, someone who I actually love and somebody who is kind and has so much to give and in spite of, and because of their neurodivergence and the experiences that they've been through, both because of the ADHD and because, or, and. And it's because of just life. And someone who's worked a hundred times harder to get to this point, and it's still got to this point. And it was like my. Flaky and eclectic background had all suddenly come together into what was essentially my life's work, which is supporting ADHD is supporting other business owners. Advocating for women with ADHD, especially in perimenopause. So going deep with my identity was the first part of me really coming home to myself. The second part was my vision for the future. Because this identity piece was so important when that started to come together. I had a real vision for where I wanted to go and what I wanted my legacy to be. And I'd always live kind of day to day before set unrealistic goals that were actually someone else's goals. But now felt different. All of those eclectic jobs, the career paths, the finished and unfinished study you know, all of it made total sense and I pretty much use all of it in my coaching work now, which is amazing. And having that clear vision for where you want to go is so important because if you don't have that, as ADHD, as we are praying to squiggling up our careers, we are praying to going off on the long road on a tangent. But if you've got that north star, that's kind of shining in the right direction. Even if you're going through the woods this time, or going down a different pathway, if you look up and see your north star, you're kind of going ahead in the right direction. Even if it feels like it's a little bit of a journey. So that vision was also important. And then the last thing actually was having a bit of a plan and a strategy about the tactical steps I needed to take. And some of that was really ADHD related. So managing time. Managing myself managing money. And some of it was me just putting all of the business strategy work I did with clients and applying it to my own business because we are our own worst clients. Right. And getting some accountability really helped as well. And I'm going to talk in other episodes about how accountability can work for you. Some of the tools that really work for, for me and for others as well. But I want to leave you with this. So there's no one thing. One tactic that took me from that emotional burnout to accepting to the place of accepting my brilliance. Now ADHD looks different for me than it might do for you and for every other ADHD or narrow divergent out there, because we are divergent within our neurodiversity. But. The biggest gift that you can give yourself if you're self realized or if you're diagnosed or diagnosed later in life, especially. Is that self compassion and kindness for yourself now? And that self compassion and kindness for you in the past as well. You haven't missed out on anything. You've got nothing to be ashamed about. You were doing life assuming that the playing field was always level when absolutely it was not. And you've done brilliantly. So please, if you take anything away from this podcast today, it's that. Trying to find that little glimmer of self-compassion and self-love inside you. And reach out there is a massive community of ADHD and other neurodivergence out there. You can reach out to me. You can reach out to, you know, or any of the platforms. You will find people talking about it and normalizing it. And community for me has also played a massive role in how I've got to this point where I'm really leveraging my own brilliance in life and in business. So I hope you've enjoyed listening to the brilliance of fact podcast episode one, we will be back with more episodes, more stories from other ADHD years in the future, but please hit the subscribe button. Or come and find me on any of the social media platforms.